My Burn-Out or was it a Burn-Up?
In January this year, I wrote about change, about intention and reflecting on a nine year cycle, lots of people wrote to me about that blog, how it helped them focus on the seaons of our lives rather than singular years that seem to be getting faster.
(If you’d like to re-read it, here it is http://www.katemarillat.com/
At the end of the post I wrote a “P.S I’m planning on doing less this year”
I read that and I laugh a little, squirm a lot, and a snake of shame creeps up my spine.
From January to June, I didn’t do less, in fact I did more.
I said I wanted space, instead I took more on.
I held five launches; the Matrix Collective Consciousness (and the MCC team), a 10- year book celebration with Karl Dawson, A Virtual Writing Retreat, The Confident Writer course, and also the launch of my friend’s excellent novel, Cursed Love Blues.
In many ways I loved the busyness, the service and helping so many people tune in and get creative.
Yet it came at a cost.
I was acting like I had a company with 5 staff. Actually, there is only me in my She-Cave with 15 hours of childcare hours a week.
When July came, on the eve of our mid-year Soul Circle’s check in, one of my dearest friends said that I was acting rather ‘frantic’.
I wasn’t just acting.
I was frantic.
I was overwhelmed and burnt out.
It was the meeting of our Soul Circle that held me in its loving gaze, became my mirror and helped me find a new way forward.
Our Soul Circle is a group of 8 women and has been running for two years, it’s sacred and I don’t speak about it often.
We meet online each month and in-person in January and July to soulfully and creatively discuss, celebrate and set strong & sacred intentions for our goals and dreams.
This circle evolved from the New Year Revolution workshops that I ran back in 2014. These days are full of creative dreaming, goal setting, sacred words and soulful connection.
Experience has taught me that we need regular accountability to keep us connected to those days or moments of sacred, supported intentions. Life is busy, we need pockets of check-in time with other people on a similar path.
Initially I was the ‘leader’ of the circle, yet now I’m simply a part of it as I created a framework for the other women to step and hold the space.
Two years after I started this circle, I sat at the table, crying, barely able to get my words out.
I’ll be forever grateful for the space to be seen and heard.
No one offered solutions or ran to hug me.
It was the mirror I needed to take a step back from the life I’d created and that was burning me out.
They helped me reassess and stop.
So I did.
Since July, I’ve stopped the webinars, the new courses, the to-do lists. I’ve stopped emailing you, I’ve stopped posting on social media. I’ve stopped pushing and turned within.
I’ve been gathering myself, focusing on what I’m here to do, how I want to show up and share, serve and be part of the solution for humanity and the planet.
I’ve called in a lot of support from homeopathy to massages, to yoga retreats and creativity dates.
Since I stopped pushing, some of the effects are that I’ve stopped eating sugar and wheat, been fully booked with clients and I started writing a new novel, of which the first draft is almost completed.
The book is inspired by EFT and Matrix Reimprinting, set in Paris and follows the journey of two families through a heart transplant.
There are a lot of healing threads in this book, for me, for the reader, and for the world. Who knows what else is possible?
As we enter the last moon cycle of the year, I reflect on the pushing and the pulling, the starting, the stopping, the freneticness.
I’ve written myself a manifesto of where and how I want to show up and share words, videos and collective sessions that can help people.
To share processes, questions and a space for you be creative, to be heard and witnessed with all the glory that is you.
It is time to streamline.
It’s time for stronger boundaries.
It’s a world wide web, we are energetic beings.
I’ve been scattered for too long and I need to be focused for this next stage.
I NEVER want to go back to that burnt out Kate and so that means I’ve got to change the way I work.
In 2018, pretty much the only place I’ll be doing live group sessions is on my Facebook page.
All the Facebook groups will be closing on December 31st, including the Tap and Write, the Matrix Collective groups – everything.
Plus I’ll be asking all virtual FB friends (i.e. people I haven’t actually met) to hang out with me on the page instead and keep the personal page, well, personal.
The Matrix Collective will still happen and I think you’ll be pleased how it’s going to work – I’ll share more on this over the next month.
The Tap and Write sessions will also happen on that Facebook page. I’ll be sharing when and how to catch these. It’s likely to be once a month.
Finally, there is a new passion burning in me, it’s time for me to step out from behind the computer screen and into a room with people.
My desire is that other women create their own Soul Circles.
For three months, I’ve been shaping, writing, and redefining it so that the group of women who attend the Soul Circle Retreat leave with a longer, deeper and more empowering connection that lasts the whole 12 months ahead.
I want women to create their own Soul Circles – for organic growth, so they can be leaders for each other.
The first one is on 20th January, Hove, UK.
As part of my manifesto, I promise (myself and you) there will be NO pushing, no marketing nonsense - just a calling to those who it would be right for.
Women who want a circle for themselves and that regular monthly support.
To create deeper connections with themselves and each other.
To stay on track with their goals and dreams in an openhearted way, sacred and wise way.
I’ll be sharing more about this later on, but for now, thank you for reading this long email, my Full Moon Manifesto.
It certainly has been a year of sowing seeds, of realising what is important, what I want to let go of, who I need to pull in close, what I need to release to love myself, fill myself up and be able to show up and serve with a full heart and full energy.
My intention is that by sharing this, you may feel called to think back on this year, your life and your dreams.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sending you some questions to help you ponder on the last 11 months what your deepest hopes are for the next stage in your journey.
In the meantime, this is where I’ll be
Until the next time,